I Found the Joy in the Struggle

It was a November morning. I remember waking up to something being “off”. I had a stirring in my stomach and I knew something was coming. I didn’t know what was ahead but when it hit, it was like a roaring lion that just had her cub taken from her!

The dark days ahead were unknown and soon they would reveal themselves. I had no idea what pain and heartbreak lay ahead, but I also did not know how it was going to change me forever!

Do you ever think of that person deep down that you know you are, but it doesn’t seem to fully reveal itself, although you want it to more than ever!  That is the gift my pain and heartbreak gave to me. 

I learned that if you go through the pain and heartbreak, then there is a huge blessing waiting for you!  Hey, I didn’t say it would be easy and those dark days are painful, but walking through the fire will take you a long way. 

I learned that by going through it, then it will end, but if you stay in it, the pain goes on and on and new things keep developing!  Anxiety, depression, fear, addiction, anger, doubt, un-forgiveness, and co-dependency will begin to live with you and you will begin to learn to live with these things that will disable you and rob you from peace, joy, love, and un-forgiveness.  That is the darkness, my friends.  If you walk through the dark long enough light eventually comes.

Here is my story of peace, joy, and the purest of unconditional love:

Doug and I have been married for 17 years.  I have 3 kids from my first marriage and Doug has 2 kids from his previous marriage.  We are a blended family and we wouldn’t have it any other way. 

It was a cold January morning 2010 when we received the first phone call from my youngest daughter that was about to take our family on a journey of pain, devastation, heartbreak, and a storm I would have never imagined! 

Before I share that phone call I would like to say that Doug and I were empty nesters.  Four of our kids were adults living on their own, working on their careers, buying their first homes, well, life was pretty good!  Our youngest son was living in Georgia with his mom as a Junior in high school, he visited quite often! 

Doug and I were semi-retired and working our businesses from home.  Then on that chilly morning, we received the call…. my youngest daughters dad took his life!  She was at the scene with her grandma and I could hear the bone-chilling fear in her voice that her dad was gone!  Several months later we received the 2nd call, Doug’s youngest sons Mama had taken her life!  Our son found her when he came home from work that day! 

The devastation was circling our family and there was nothing we could do to stop it!  Our children were in pain and shock!  Then it got worse!!  Yes, the heartbreak did not end there!  Three of our adult children fell into pain pill addiction! 

Our family was in pain!  Shame was our covering and even though I had been a counselor for 20 years, I could not fix this, in fact, I became part of the sickness. our life had spun out of control!!!

I remember thinking and saying so many times,  “if they would just stop, this would all go away!”  But it didn’t and our kids just kept falling deeper. 

Those of you with loved ones of addiction you understand the shame and guilt you carry.  Doesn’t it seem odd that when tragedy strikes we blame ourselves first? 

As the storm of life that our family was going through became worse, so did the anger!  Anger is a God-given emotion.  Its purpose is to let us know something is wrong, but when we let it take root in us then we experience what comes with living with that rooted anger. 

Sometimes the anger is silent, sometimes it rages, and sometimes it just simmers!  I learned through our tragedy that anger is the root of depression and anxiety. 

Depression is swallowed anger, anger turned inward.   As our family was trying to navigate through the pain I was becoming more and more angrier.  Why doesn’t this stop?  I was praying and believing for my miracle and it wasn’t coming!  Why? 

Then one day, about 2 years from the deaths and 2 years into full-blown addiction with our adult kids, my miracle came, AND I ALMOST MISSED IT! 

You see it didn’t look like what I thought it should look like, but I could feel deep down that this was something huge and if I could grasp it, it would change the direction of which my family was going.  It wouldn’t fix it, it wouldn’t make my addicts stop using, but I knew it would significantly make the difference my family needed so our miracle could unfold completely.

Sometimes we picture the way things should go and sometimes when we are hanging by just a thread we grab on to something and if we really grab on, it can pull us out and it looks nothing like what we thought our answer would be. 

As the pain and anger were consuming me, I was crying out to God and I saw a picture of myself laying down and my feet to my waist was on fire!  I asked the Lord, what is this? 

He showed me that the fire represented my circumstances and pain and I needed to get up and walk through the pain or it would consume me!  I had become “stuck” in my circumstances which was causing the pain to grow! 

I didn’t know how to get up and I didn’t know how to walk through, but I was able to grab ahold of what I was feeling inside. 

That day I began to walk through the fire!  I started to focus on what was good in my life, I began to take my eyes, my focus, my thoughts off my circumstances that was causing so much pain.  For me, that meant taking my eyes off the pain, the shame, the hurt, and turn my eyes, my thoughts, my words toward what was good! 

Friends, that was a huge struggle for me because my thoughts were filled with everything that was wrong and everything that could go wrong! 

I was not sleeping at night because of my thoughts that were constantly on everything that was causing my pain!  That day I got up, I took control of my focus, and I began to change my thoughts according to my miracle that was coming not on everything that was wrong. 

Who would have thought that by changing my thoughts, my focus, and my perception of my situation would give me back my joy!  As I began to practice this I started to get healthy again. 

A little spark of life came back into my heart!  My healing began even though my circumstances hadn’t changed!  As this began to take place, my anger, shame, guilt, and pain began to leave me.  I truly began to experience unconditional love and acceptance for the situation my family was in.  That was my first steps of “walking through” my pain.  That was my miracle! 

Today 2 of the 3 adult kids are clean and sober, living productive lives again!  We have a daughter that is still out there in addiction and here are my words of unconditional love to her, “You got this, I believe in you, I know you will beat this disease!”  And to you, my friends,  I will say, “You got this, learn what you can, let the circumstances of your life lead you through growth, and keep walking through the fire!  Don’t stop and you will find your joy!

This is my short version of our struggle that we found joy in!  If any of you or someone you know needs help in this area let me help you experience your miracle!

In His Love,

Sandee